Have you ever wondered what nasty surprises lurk behind that ‘fat free’ bar or ‘low fat’ sandwich? Grimaced at the ‘sugar-free’ candy that is chock-full of sweeteners? What about the ‘protein-rich’ health product whose hidden secrets make your belly/behind (delete as appropriate) look like a hot air balloon on a blowy day?
Take a new angle, and think Ingredient-Free!
Ingredient Freedom Inc (a wholly-owned 0% subsidiary of Wholefoods Corporation) takes a completely new and revolutionary approach. Sponsored by the charitable organisation Fast For Life — Gaining Maximal Spiritual Inspiration By Eating Minimal Food — we are proud to bring you our new range of products.
Putting the ‘may’ back into mayonnaise!
Putting the ‘health’ back into health food!
Putting the ‘ola!’ back into cola!
Putting the rhyme back into thyme!
(All right, maybe not the last one.)
Just look at the advantages
(No, really. Please just look at the advantages.)
- Lose weight
Don’t fight the flab, forget it. With no calories, carbohydrate or fat in your regular diet, you can snack with confidence and still shed the pounds. Be the envy of your friends with their stodgy, ingredient-filled meals. - Ooze up laziness
Don’t want to jog? You don’t have to. Don’t want to exercise regularly? No need. Let the vast array of high quality, educational and informative cable television shows fill your inactive hours. Don’t agitate – vegetate! - Be kind to the environment
All Ingredient FreedomTM products are minimally packaged, with just enough wasteful cardboard to give each product a unique identity. Forget George Bush — the rainforests will love you for this. 
Easy and convenient
No special storage instructions. No ‘Keep Refrigerated’. No more ‘cool dry places’ or ‘Best Before’ dates. Sun-dry that cheese. Put that meat on the top shelf. Buy your milk now for Christmas! Live free of restriction!- Eradicate food-borne disease
Raw chicken? No problem. Mouldy pizza? Take it in your stride. With ingredient free meals, it’s all a thing of the past. Fighting food poisoning — there’s quite literally nothing to it. - Free up space
Most Ingredient Freedom products are packaged in one inch cubes. Just think of the room you’ll have in your kitchen — or your shop — when these catch on! - Cut chores in half
With cooking, clearing and washing up all unnecessary, there’s time for true relaxation. Other daily tasks will seem like a breeze. As they say, a spoonful of ingredient free sugar makes the medicine go down… - Save money
By cutting out not only the middle man but the first man as well, we save big, and we pass the savings on to you. Ingredient Freedom products cost up to 20% less* than their expensive ingredient-laden counterparts!
* Well, this is after all an exclusive and exciting idea, and we think we deserve a small town Ferrari and modest Pacific island each for thinking of it.
What’s In A Typical Ingredient Free Product
- 9g (0g excluding packaging and literature) of wholesome (well either whole, some or none depending on how you look at it) goodness
- One Ingredient Freedom pamphlet and guide to healthy eating
- One Anorexia And Related Illnesses Compensation Claim Form (the Government insisted we include this)
Prototype Ingredient Freedom Products Are Already Here
Look on the real shelves of a real supermarket and see the evidence of Ingredient Freedom prototypes everywhere you go. We are currently trialling some of our products under established brand names. They may include traces of sodium and occasionally (like our arguments) some substance, but we guarantee them 100% free of all traditional nutrients. Take for example the Nutrient Facts on this real pack of French’s Mustard – one of our very first successes: Calories 0 Total Fat 0g (0% DV) Sodium 55mg (2% DV) Total Carb 0g (0% DV) Protein 0g. Not a significant source of Fat Cal, Sat Fat, Cholesterol, Fiber, Sugars, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron.
The Next Step
Exciting packaging-free Ingredient Freedom products are being developed. Order on the Internet with any major credit or debit card and download instantly — kiss goodbye to those arduous shopping trips with the kids in tow.
Millions Of Satisfied Ingredient Freedom Customers
“I never gave flab a second thought once I started gorging on delicious Ingredient Freedom Cheeseburgers.” — Bruce
“Now I can ogle the Big Brother house 24-7 with a clear conscience, and a ready supply of Ingredient Freedom TV Dinners at my fingertips” — Fiona
“We’re incredibly excited about the possibilities opened up by this fantastic development. Now eating is so simple that even my grandmother could do it! Of course we’ll be following this up with a much enhanced product of our own that will soon tread all over Ingredient Freedom’s poor effort and monopolise the grocery market.” — Bill Gates
[Editor’s Note: We shall see.]
“IT HAS CLOSED OUR TOWN MARKET, KILLED 75% OF OUR CITIZENS, AND MALNOURISHED OUR CHILDREN, AND WE ARE HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.” — A customer with a stuck Caps Lock key whose style of handwriting, together with the way the git also forwarded his letter to most of the less reputable newspapers, clearly indicated he was joking and was actually in full support of our praiseworthy innovations
Official Caterers to David Blaine
Ingredient Freedom are proud sponsors of the awe-inspiring 44-day suspended-in-a-glass-box stunt by world famous illusionist David Blaine. After fourty-four days of water and Ingredient Freedom nourishment, he himself will confirm that spiritual fulfilment, inner peace and international stardom are just a few of the incredible tangible signs of a hearty Ingredient Freedom diet. If it’s good enough for Blaine, it’s good enough for anyone. Try it today.
Ingredient Freedom – Zero Tolerance On Fat.